Ick

I am so lost at the moment. Work is so dreadfully slow this week and it’s giving me far too much free thinking time which I really don’t need. Every time I’m at work I feel down and it’s not because I write about dead people all day. It would make sense but it’s completely not the case. I’ve had such a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach lately…overwhelming anxiety that I just can’t shake. I feel sick to my stomach with the amount of bills and debt I’ve been left with since my last relationship went in the shitter. I have a hard time pacing myself with the things I feel like I need. I hate feeling like I need to get things when there really isn’t any need for them at all. It’s just wanting. Constant fucking wanting. I feel like such a goddamn consumer. I consider myself to be such a low-maintenance person and yet I never feel satisfied. I guess it’s just that I expect more from myself than from other people. In a relationship (friendship or otherwise) I am low-maintenance, I require very little from other people; However, when it comes to making myself happy I feel like I’m constantly looking for more.

I feel ill-equipped to deal lately. Confused. Uncomfortable. Bored. I don’t know what has been going on with me over the last week but I don’t feel alright unless I’m with someone. I don’t know if I’m the kind of girl who was made for a casual relationship. I’m trying so hard not to do the girl thing and feel insecure but I can’t control or filter the annoying thoughts that keep popping up in the back of my mind. I blame previous experiences with the casual dating or “seeing each other” thing, that have caused this insecurity. I have no reason to be insecure really; it must just be that after being in a nine year relationship I’m not quite used to not having that commitment to another person. Part of me doesn’t want that right now because I’m in no rush to get into something serious and yet the other part of me does want it, yet I fear falling too hard and fast for someone and him not falling back. I’m having a harder time being chill and relaxed than I expected. I feel fucking old. I feel too old and used to be dating someone. Everyone around me is getting married and having kids and I just got out of a relationship that lasted far longer than any of theirs and I got nothing. Not even a stupid t-shirt. I don’t regret those nine years and I really don’t want to get married or have kids yet, but there’s this strange feeling of urgency, as though time is running out for me. I know it’s not but I just get this sick feeling like things aren’t going to go the way I want them to, even though I’m not even sure I know what that way is. It pains me to say it, but I guess I just want things to go the “old fashioned” way. Have I ever given a fuck if things go the old fashioned way? Do I care about the traditional route or “the norm” or any of that shit? I would like to say no; no I have never cared and yet my emotions are clearly proving otherwise. Despite my greatest efforts to resist society, it has burrowed its way into my subconscious mind and influenced me to believe that I should be married before I am thirty and after I am married I should start spitting out babies. I honestly don’t want babies right now. I think I’m just bored with life. Every day feels the same. This winter has been too long and despite my hectic schedule it feels too repetitive for me. I’m not even sure if what I’m saying makes any sort of sense, I just had to purge some of these thoughts.